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Emotional Health - When cutting off from others is a good thing

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

My husband and I knew it was going to happen.  We anticipated the cut-off would occur at some point last Friday but weren't exactly sure when it would go down.  Anxiously, we both kept checking its status.  We knew when the moment finally came we'd be entering into unfamiliar territory.

Then it happened.  There were no bars left on our iPhones. 

Relationship Health: Marriage in trouble? 3 tips to communicate better

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Keeping a marriage happy and strong is a work in progress for most and it's perfectly normal for couples to hit speed bumps of various sizes.  Ideally, they work on a repair and move on but sometimes it can feel overwhelming not knowing where to begin to pull things together.  If there has been damage occurring in the marriage for a long period of time, the mountain of resentment may be steep and tall.  The first step is to get back to the basics of good communication, whether a blip on your marriage radar or more serious issue. 

Emotional Health - Is there still a psychotherapy stigma?

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

I am in New Orleans attending a conference with psychiatrists (as a guest of my "shrink" father) and have been fascinated by the various discussions about what effective psychotherapy looks like, the mental health issues that people struggle with and the role of the therapist.  There was concern expressed about the stigma associated with therapy as potentially demonstrated by the rise in anti-depression medication use – along with the fall of therapy attendance as cited in a recent study. 

Emotional Health: List of places to get your happy on in Marin (and the North Bay!)

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

It's hard for me not to be totally charged by the beautiful, spring weather in Marin over the past few days.  It reminds me of how awe-inspiring all the beauty is around us- and all the opportunities we have to explore and enjoy this spectacular corner of the world. 

Part of what keeps many of us emotionally healthy is to be connected to nature and her gifts.  Whether you're local, recent transplant or a visitor, there are a plethora of tiny slices of heaven to "get your happy on" all around us.

Most of my selections below are nature-inspired and a few others are eating/relaxing spots that happen to feature beauty and/or a pleasant environment as a backdrop.  Having grown up here and returning to put down roots with my family a few years ago, I'm still uncovering new spots!  I suspect there is likely no end to these discoveries which is fun in and of itself.

Emotional Health - The friendship vacation

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

I recently returned from a blissful week north of Puerto Vallarta with a dear friend.  She is also a hard working therapist and wife.  We both also write and pursue other projects associated with our psychotherapy practices.  The other thing we share is a tendency to do take on too much and tip the life balance scales. 

She's in San Diego and we often check in on each other around this issue but this time we planned to leave it all behind...together.  Our trip was to be about rejuvenation, rest, reflection, play and taking a much needed break in the company of each other.

Emotional Health - The baby steps of making change

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Change is hard!  I am reminded of this almost daily as I bear witness to the change that individuals and couples strive to make in my therapy practice – and the change that I focus on to improve my own emotional and relationship health.  It's a work in progress for all of us!  One thing that makes change easier is to understand that "baby steps" are perfectly acceptable and in fact, should be celebrated.

Relationship Health - How's your relationship with yourself?

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Being human, all types of relationships are important to us, for different reasons.  Families, friends and intimate partners have the potential to provide the soulful sustenance we need to feel secure, connected and loved.

With as much energy people put into how to have the best relationships with others they can have – an important question can get overlooked:

What's your relationship like with yourself? 

A follow-up question to consider is: 

How can you fully love another and be open to being loved by them – if you do not love yourself?

Emotional Health- Unplug, shut-off and power-down challenge

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

As helpful as communication technology is, if you're anything like me, it can get overwhelming and there can be moments where you are just "too connected."  A phone is no longer just a "phone" but a texter, web surfer and a social networking facilitator.  A computer now has the potential to be a major distraction whether instant messaging, pinging e-mail programs alerting us to new incoming mail or Facebook/Twitter pages up in the background tracking real time discussions tempting us away from our intended tasks.    

Emotional Health - 3 signs it might be time to end your marriage

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

As much as I like to write about aspects of healthy marriages, this time I'm going to shine the spotlight on when it's time to consider ending them.  Part of what I love about my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist is helping couples narrow the emotional gap and figure out new ways of being together in a manner that works for both of them – but the reality is, sometimes this is just not going to happen.

Here are 3 signs it might be time to end your marriage:

Emotional Health - Lessons learned from my therapy clients

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Like I mentioned on a recent piece on lessons learned from my toddler, I'm going to stick with the theme of "lessons" and share some lessons I've received from my psychotherapy clients.  Being invited into the private world of individuals and couples who come to present their deepest fears, wounds and struggles allows a very unique view into humanity – one that is an honor for me to bear witness to. Though my role is educator, helper and facilitator in human relationships and emotional health, there is much that I have learned as well.

Here are some of the life lessons I've learned from my therapy clients:

Emotional Health - An opportunity to consider gratitude

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

The destruction, loss and utter chaos that so many are still trying to dig out of in Haiti has gripped many of us, as we watch CNN in horror bearing witness to the death, shock and grief of the people there and others who have been impacted.  It's hard for us here in Marin County and the surrounding areas to wrap our brains around what this must be like for the victims, survivors, rescuers, reporters and others there doing what they can to find their way out of what must seem like hell on earth.

After answering to the immediate impulse of donating to a few relief organizations, I shifted my attention to the subject of gratitude.  Gratitude can be very elusive for many of us as we get caught up in our own daily lives, relationships, families, jobs and the "drama" of life unique to each of us.  It's easy to forget how fortunate we are until a disaster such as this occurs.

3 relationship building behaviors that can help create intimacy in your relationship

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

My husband and I spent a very quiet New Year's Eve at home in Marin cooking together, drinking champagne, watching the ball drop in Times Square on CNN and sitting in front of a fire talking – after our toddler finally went to sleep (the evening sleep routine has been a 45 minute battle of wills lately).  For a split second we lamented what we might be "missing out" on as others were whooping it up to ring in 2010 – but it was a fleeting moment as the night turned out to be intimate and totally perfect the way it was.

It was one of those "relationship building" moments that remind me how important it is to continue to create them no matter how long you've been married or with your partner.  This New Year's Eve was very special even though we weren't out "raising the roof" with balloons cascading all around us after a raucous countdown to midnight.

Our experience got me thinking about other ways couples can foster intimacy in their relationships.  Ideally there's cohesion between words and actions. Saying the right words is often easier to carry out than the actions themselves – and sometimes people don't have much of an idea of what intimacy building behaviors look like in the first place!  Let me see if I can help flesh it out a bit.  

Here are three relationship building behaviors to increase intimacy with your partner:

Emotional Health - Lessons from my toddler (for the holidays and for life)

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

I've been in a bit of a loop the last several years that looks something like this: Just when I think I've found the holy grail of "life balance," I realize I need to go back to the drawing board.  I take heart in knowing I am not alone in a culture of "doing" but it's still a thorn in my side that has been more difficult to permanently remove than I ever imagined.

As much as my training and clinical experience has taught me about how to help people have satisfying lives, I received the most important teachings ever recently from my 2 ½ year old son, Cooper.

Emotional Health - 5 ways to tend your relationship garden

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

As many of us prepare to gather our most important relationships together to celebrate Thanksgiving, I'd like to share with you a few thoughts on creating the best possible relationship between you and your partner.  For those of you who are currently single, many of these ideas can be applied to your friendships and family members as well.

In a lot of ways, relationships are like gardens.  They need watering, pruning and tending to in order to remain lush.  If left unattended, you can imagine what a garden might look like.  Living things need nourishment to sustain them. 

Emotional safety is the glue that binds relationships – where both partners feel like they have a "safe base" to return to in each other.  This kind of relationship environment does not occur spontaneously.  It requires a bit of effort but the payoff can be well worth it!

Here are 5 ways that you can tend to your own relationship garden:

Emotional Health - Holiday survival tips: Stressful situations and ways to get a handle on them

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Yes it's true, the holidays are coming!  As wonderful as this time of year is for many, for others it can be incredibly stressful.  There are a number of stressors associated with the holiday period but let's focus on a few of the most common – and thoughts about ways to handle them.

Emotional Health - When was the last time you checked in with your partner?

Emotional and Relationship Health with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Relationships need nurturing much as a garden needs tending.  Particularly if you're in a long term marriage, it's far too easy to let the hustle and bustle of family, jobs, social obligations and life in general cloud over connecting with your partner. 

As a couples therapist, I find that people who make it a priority to at least "check-in" with each other consistently feel more connected.